I haven’t ranted for so long but time to get it off my chest.

After today, one – if not the last – day I saw some of my classmates. It hit me, it finally hit me that we’ve actually graduated. We made it guys, but where did we make it to? A place where we’ve been separated again? Not a single one of my closest friends are accompanying me to the same university. If I were to consider “the crew” then we’re all going off in completely different directions and the thought only causes my heart to sink lower and lower. I don’t know how low it can even go, I mean it’s already hit rock bottom  right now, or so it seems. 

I hate this. I hate change, I hate finding new people. New people means taking another few years to open up again. It’s taken me four years to be this close to the girls, and in fact four years to open up to one of the guys that I would consider one of my closest friends. In fact, if I were to be brutally honest, I would consider myself closer to him than to one or two of the girls, and on the same level as the two girls I’m closest to. And to think that I’m going to have to do this all over again? In a new place where I know no one? Fuck that. Fuck even thinking about how hard it’s going to be to find new friends, how hard is it going to be to keep the ones I have right now?

Knowing myself, I’m terrible at hitting up people. I feel like a bother, I feel like if they wished to speak to me, they’d message me, they’d call me. Me doing it makes me only feel clingy and that’s something I hate feeling. It’s not fair to put it all on them, and I know that, but I’ve never been one to show affection. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to truly tell any of them how much they mean to me. How empty I feel at the thought of leaving them all. Every year when I come back from New York, the minute I step into the house my heart sinks as far as it can go because reality finally slaps me in the face and reminds me of how quiet and lonesome our house can really be. That’s what this feels like. It feels like my sisters and brother have all been torn from my grasp and I’m finding myself in a quiet scenario once again, given all the time in the world to remember how much I miss them.

It’s only been about three hours since I left them. Three hours since I was trying to hide my tears, three hours since I broke down. I couldn’t even get around to every single classmate simply because I knew that if I turned to look back at the gigantic group of graduates, I would cry again. And I hate that, I regret it already. But pessimism is kicking in right now and I’m worried. Worried that I won’t see them until the very end of the summer. I can’t express to my mother how much they mean to me, and until I can put that into words she’ll understand, I won’t be allowed out often. It’s not like I’m allowed out often anyways, but this summer is going to be even worse what with Ramadan and then my cousins coming. I don’t know, I just really don’t know how to take this right now. I badly want to message them all and just rant away about how much I love them. I’ll probably do that to the girls, can’t really do that to my little shit cause he probably wouldn’t know how to react. Neither do I want to dampen his mood any further today. 

I fucking hate change.